Designation: Spoiler
by chaitea16
Summary: Inter-faction relationships rarely work out. No matter how headlights-over-tailpipe a con could be for a bot. Rated for strong Cybertronian language and crude mechanical innuendos courtesy of an Anti-Mary Sue
1. Designation: Spoiler

**Author's Note (And partial plot Spoiler):** Here we have my first (and probably last) Transformers original character that is based on me. Instead of living vicariously through her to fulfill twisted fangirl fantasies, she will be used primarily to inflict over the top amounts of sexual harassment intermingled with downright awfulness.

**Disclaimer:** Just Borrowing

**Related Music:** Tata Young – Crush On You

Designation: Spoiler

_I wish upon a star  
Can't you see how right we are  
We should be together  
Babe I got a crush on you _

Ironhide revved with impatience as the reconnaissance meeting came to a close. Stubbornly remaining in his current position, the red mech watched as his fellow Autobts began making their way out. Typically he'd be joining them but curiosity had gotten the better of him.

Two developments have occurred recently. The first was that these meetings have been scheduled to last one Earth hour long then usual on the agenda yet they continued to end at the same time anyway. Now, Ironhide would've had no trouble ignoring this fact. He actually may have counted himself lucky for the extra recharge time that wouldn't be wasted listening to repetitive reports. But then there was that second anomaly. Ever since the meeting times have been altered the Decepticons somehow become much easier to counter. Not that he noticed much of a difference in the overall planning stage since the Autobot tactician continued to detail his strategies just as blandly as ever. But results defiantly caught his attention. And near every con incursion had been intercepted before it ever really got a chance to get going.

_**Prowl may be good, but even tha' most advanced upgrade can't make 'im psychic**_, he thought as his optics shifted to the black and white mech. The tactician stood stiffly before a stack of datapads, faceplating arranged in its usual no-nonsense fashion. When he caught sight of Ironhide's intent look, Prowl lifted an optic guard in a silent question but otherwise remained eerily motionless. Beside him sat Optimus Prime at the head of the meeting room table. Their leader's optics were dim as he stared off, seeming to focus on nothing in particular. One of his stabilizing servos twitched occasionally while the rest of his frame appeared nearly as still as Prowl's. He always stood out in the primarily gray room that was nearly large enough to house all the Autobots in one location without feeling too cramped.

As the rest of the bots filed out, Ironhide stood and advance towards the two remaining that continued to show no sign of leaving any time soon. Prowl regarded him wearily while Optimus seemed to not even notice his security officer's approach.

"**The meeting has been adjourned. It is in your best interest to vacate the area and processed to the recreational room for your energon ration,"** the tactician stated matter-of-factly. His blue optics flashed with a silent warning.

"**Nah, don't think I'll be doing that just yet, Prowler."** Prowl's mandible nearly dropped at the blatant disobedience. Taking advantage of his shock Ironhide continued, **"Be'ing such ah stickler fer protocol and all, I figure y'all might appreciate muh idl'ing around. Case there's more that needs discuss'ing."**

At that Optimus finally looked up, optic guards adjusting to give him an almost apprehensive look. **"That won't be necessary,"** he began a little too quickly. **"All that is left for Prowl and I to discuss are alternative details concerning back-up plans."**

"**Well then,"** Ironhide drawled, **"As ah fellow officer I believe it's within muh duty tah remain and assist where I can."**

Somehow Prowl managed to stand even more rigidly. **"Your assistance is not required at this time,"** he stated coldly.

Rocking back slightly on his stabilizing servos the security chief replied a little too playfully, **"Alright. I gots no qualms just watch'ing tha' experts."**

"**There is really nothing for you to see since nothing will be occurring here."** The black and white mech insisted in that repetitive manner of his. **"Move along."**

"**Then why are some o' tha' most overworked bots still here if there's noth'ing that needs do'ing?"** The red mech tried to keep his face plating placid, but the urge to grin triumphantly was overwhelming. _**Feels good tah be right.**_ His idly curiosity had fully transformed as he concluded that these two were definitely up to something. And whatever it was had been working. So, of course, he wanted in.

Optimus' optics shifted to the wall behind them suspiciously before coming back to Ironhide. **"While I appreciate your sudden willingness to become more involved in our planning sessions, this is really not the time."**

"**And it is highly unorthodox,"** Prowl added.

Ironhide adjusted his stance, noting the tense atmosphere of the room. The battle hardened bot couldn't help but compare it to that serene moment before an imminent onslaught. After releasing a rush of cycled air from his vents in a sigh he bluntly said, **"Look, we've been stopp'ing those decepticreeps at every intersection lately. That there's more 'en just fragger's luck. Y'all got someth'ing on tha' side. And I aim tah find out what."**

Prowl's door panels rustled behind him but otherwise he gave no indication of any building frustration. **"This area is for authorized material only. Meaning, you do not have the clearance to be here at this time. For the future functionality of your processors, I insist you leave immediately." **His words were accompanied by a loud, grinding sound. Initially Ironhide assumed it was just Prowl overworking his engine to further emphasis the threat. But the source soon revealed itself to be the wall behind them. As the rumbling persisted the barrier split apart to unveil a secret passageway.

Optimus and Prowl exchanged a quick glace before looking to Ironhide. The leader of the Autobots then stood, easily becoming the highest point in the room. He turned his full authoritative majesty towards his chief of security and declared, **"I'm truly sorry, old friend. But I must order you to vacate the-"**

"**-the premises so I can have my go, you slagging port-blocker!"** A feminie voice had chimed out from somewhere down the tunnel.

Prowl immediately brought a black hand up and slid it down his faceplating in exasperation. Ironhide gawked at the lack of composure from a typically reserved bot. His astonishment continued to build when he noticed Optimus somehow appearing flustered. Yet even the combination of these two unlikely reactions was nothing compared to what entered the Autobot's meeting room.

Two bright lights were fast approaching from the passageway and Ironhid's processor practically skipped at the sight of a purple Saturn SKY convertible driving at top speed toward the mechs. Nearly slamming into Prowl, it skidded to a halt before Optimus. The red and blue bot sent a quick look to the newcomer before shifting his gaze to Ironhide. His face mask revealed nothing while his optics lit up alarmingly bright like a set of headlights adjusting to high-beams.

For Ironhide, delightful curiosity was abruptly replaced by outraged confusion as the security chief recognized the alt mode of a Decepticon in their midst. His voice modulator released a loud roar and he promptly charged the enemy.

Just as he reached the vehicle, Prowl moved to intercept him. **"Cease and desist,"** the black and white mech ordered.

"**That there con belongs in tha' brigg! Or bet'er yet, offline."** The sound of his misleadingly named watergun being drawn accompanied the statement as he tried to lean around the bulk of the military strategist to get a clear shot. But Prowl was quicker and managed to avert the barrel of the weapon before it had a chance to be fired.

"**Neither option will be necessary for the time being."** The police lights from his alt mode flashed irritably as he spoke.

"**What in tha' fragg'ing pit is go'ing on here?!"** This wasn't making sense. A Decpticon was parked right there, next to Optimus of all bots, and absolutely nothing was being done to remedy that fact.

Prowl's optic guards narrowed as he glowered at the red mech. **"As I have previously stated, this matter is none of your concern."**

The chief of security's mandible dropped at that. The absurdity of the situation might be just enough to fry even his rarely utilized logic circuits. Composing himself somewhat, Ironhide lowered his weapon hand and raised the other to point at the offending con. **"I'd be ah malfunction'ing slag heap tha' Hatchet wouldn' even use fer spare parts if I didn' make this muh concern!"**

"**Sheesh, someone leaked lubricant all over his recharge berth this cycle."**

The furious mech immediately stopped trying to get around Prowl and just turned his helm to the purple car. She was parked a little too comfortably beside Optimus, windows down and tires rocking slightly to the beat of whatever heinous melody came from her speakers. He was prepared to charge right through the obstacle to get at his target but a commanding voice stopped him just as his shoulder collided with Prowl's chassis.

"**Stand down, bots!"** The sound of Optimus' overpowering voice resounded through the room. The two Autobots immediately turned to face their leader while at the same time the Saturn let out an indignant growl of her engine. **"...and con,"** he added.

Ironhide attempted to focus on his cooling system to help his overheating mainframe. There had to be an explanation for this, though the idea of it being in any way reasonable was well beyond him at this point. **"Sir, I mean no disrespect, but what in tha' pit is glitch'ing yah?"**

Optimus lowered his helm slightly while folding servos in front of his chassis; giving Ironhide the impression that the Autobot leader was feeling guilty. _**At least he's got enough sense left fer that,**_ he thought bitterly.

"**Prowl, would you care to explain to our chief of security why we have a Decepticon in the Autobot meeting room?"**

The tactician saluted Optims formally and declared, **"Certainly, sir."** He then about-faced to his fellow mech and began what Ironhide would forever recall as the most unnecessarily elaborate explanation his audio receptors had ever heard. It took a while for him to grasp the main idea, but eventually he pieced together that Prowl's point was based strictly on unadulterated logic and low risk convenience. The femme had been an informant for the Autobots, or more specifically, just Optimus Prime. She was the source of the reports that had been giving them the advantage in the war of late. Now, she was not an Autobot spy and had no intention to defect from the Decepticons. In fact, the femme planned to keep right on defacing public property, fighting against the Autobots while adding to the number of civilian casualties and overall serve Megatron. Knowing this did nothing to pacify the still enraged mech.

"**Yah gotta be slagg'ing meh."**

"**It is clear through battle records and analysis that this Decepticon, designation Spoiler, remains loyal to the Decepticon cause. However, she has no qualms with dispensation concerning Megaton's information and plans. Thus allowing her to remain in action is more beneficial to us then permanently taking her out of commission."** Prowl quickly retrieved a datapad from his subspace compartment, preparing to recite statics that would back up his reasoning.

Optics glowing white, Ironhide considered firing liquid nitrogen from his watergun at the both of them and be done with this mess. Acid was also a tempting option. Instead he drawled, **"At what cost? Aside from tha' obvious?"**

At that Prowl appeared uncertain before turning to Optimus, wing panels lowing in hesitation. The Autobot leader's optics dimmed somewhat before he answered. **"Her only condition is that any intelligence she collects is given directly to me."** It barely took Ironhide a nanoclick to realize that Optimus was uncomfortable stating this baffling fact.

"**Speaking of which,"** the Saturn interjected, **"Along with a few data files, I also happen to have the latest schematics for you in my trunk. Didn't have time to scan them so hope you don't mind a more…physical copy."** The words emitting from her speakers were now husky, resembling the tone of a deep bell.

Optimus leaned down as she opened her trunk to him and tentatively reaching inside. Withdrawing a packet of paper, he stepped back and placed it on the meeting room table.

As her trunk door moved to close on its own it suddenly sprang up again. She repeated this a few more times before finally chiming out, **"Oops, my trunk seems to keep popping open. Mind giving it a good slap shut for me?"**

Optimus' optics practically rolled as he moved to comply. Unfortunately for the present mechs, the sound of her trunk being forcefully closed wasn't loud enough to drown out her all too satisfied gasp.

"**Much better,"** her voice rang out from the speakers just before the vehicle's frame twisted and bent. The back end of the car lifted while folding outward as the front split apart to form her stabilizing servos. Spoiler gracefully stood up into her bipedal form, revealing a femme that was well below the gathered mech's in height. Her physique looked built more for speed then anything, assuring Ironhide that one well placed blast would easily finish her off. The spoiler of her namesake folded around her helm, giving the very human appearance of hair. Her alt mode's purple color shone brightly against a chrome plated face that seemed perpetually set in a sneaky smirk. She looked vaguely familiar to the security chief though he couldn't recall having ever seen her on the battle field. Yet after this encounter he would make sure to set a special reminder to target this flimsy femme during his next Decepticon incursion.

Before Ironhide's destructive thoughts could continue to course through his processor like a feedback loop he declared, **"Alright, yah got yer precious info. Now Get 'er outta here."**

"**Oh contraire, lead-head."** Spoiler rested a servo on the exaggerated plating that curved up the side of her aft to make up her hip before elaborating. **"That was only part of my package. I still have far more to offer then just some crumpled up organic parchment."** She then turned her attention to Optimus before finishing with, **"I couldn't ever fathom wasting your valuable time with anything less." **

Prowl chose that moment to speak, probably because he noticed Ironhide's already pale optics flash with a murderous light. **"Perhaps we should spend less time on your pursuit of recreational activities and more of it concerning the fulfillment of our arrangement?"**

She paused in her swooning to consider the black and white mech. The femme then nodded, gaining some semblance of professionalism about her. The effect was abruptly shattered when she opened her mandible to speak to the Autobot leader. **"You know, these meetings could go a lot faster if we exchanged data in a more... straightforward route. I'd personally be honored to 'hook up' with you."** While sashaying closer to Optimus she continued, **"So what do you say? You into a more direct link between our hard-drives?"** Now standing directly under the towering Autobot, she turned to face Prowl with a twisted smile. **"It would be more cost effective in the long drive, right Prowly? I hear you're all about efficiency."**

Prowl's right optic fizzled out briefly at that but otherwise he gave no indication of having even heard her. Seeming satisfied with the subtly reaction, Spoiler gave her full attention back to the Autobot leader.

Ironhide's energon lines squirmed at the sight of the way her red optics darkened to crimson while she all but gawked at Optimus. **"Don't let 'er get any closer,"** He warned**. "Be'ing online as ah fragg'ing Decpeticon gives femmes loose firewalls. "Wouldn't want tah download ah trojan."**

The femme reluctantly turned from the uncomfortable mech to the disgruntled one. **"There are more mature ways of dealing with that jealousy, lead-head."**

"**Not even with high-grade altered visual sensors would I ever see yer aft as anyth'ing but ah target fer this here gun,"** he lifted the weapon for further emphasis.

Her chassis vibrated as she sputtered a chuckle before responding with, **"Oh how charming. I'm sure that thick hide of yours could crack open somewhere to spark a femme one of these cycles."** She paused for emphasis before finishing with**, "if her optics and audio receptors were malfunctioning along with a crack down her CPU."**

This time it was Optimus who held the enraged security chief back. **"Ironhide, the sooner we conclude our business with her the sooner she will leave our base,"** he assured.

"**Fine,"** the red mech grumbled before pulling out one of the metal chairs that surrounded the meeting room table. "**But if that there con does anyth'ing outta line…"** He finished the sentience with a pantomimed blast from his watergun before sitting down.

"**I understand."** The red and blue mech then inclined his helm to Spoiler and asked, **"Are you ready to address this list of inquiries Prowl prepared for you?"** While speaking he pulled a datapad from subspace and held it out to the femme.

"**Oh Prime, I'll answer any questions you can come up with so long as they're asked in that sultry base of yours."** The flutter of optic guards accompanied her words as she too graciously accepted the datapad as though it were his spark. After clutching it tightly her grip suddenly loosened and it fell. **"Slag, I dropped your files."** She made no move to retrieve it, choosing to stare at Optimus expectantly instead. As the Autobot leader grudgingly bowed down to get the pad, Ironhide saw the con blatantly leer at the bent over aft, going so far as to actually swipe her glossa over chrome mouth components.

He continued to watch the disturbing display of one-sided affection from his chair. At one point the question and answer exchange could have been considered normal. That was until she seemed to find a way to ruin the only thing she seemed to be any good for with indecent body language. As Spoiler spoke her fingers roamed along the seams lining her chassis. Suddenly one of her digits pulled at the chest plating just enough to release a faint blue glow. Her light shined off the armor of the three mechs in attendance briefly before blinking out. Meanwhile the con continued on with her report as though she didn't just flash them.

Aside from that moment of absolute horror, a lot of her account really was useful. She seemed to know near all the inner workings on the Nemesis. The femme even threw in some embarrassing gossip concerning a few cons before Prowl intervened to bring her story back on course. The look on her faceplating concerning one detail in particular that kept coming up caught his optic. Before he could process twice about wanting to know the information he asked, **"Now hold on ah click. If yer spark pulses for that there blue seeker, why are yah over here try'ing tah lube up fer Optimus?"**

The Autobot leader's face mask seemed to wilt slightly in dismay while at the same time the sound of a resounding crack proclaimed Prowl's loss of composure. His hands holding a datapad were clenched so tightly that the device had been broken in half. Irnonhide could practically detect the reprimand forming in the back and white mech's central processor but before the tactician could begin it the con answered.

"**Us ground rollers are beneath fliers like him. And not in the fun way."** Her metallic face formed a pout, complete with a slightly protruding mandible.

"**But at least he's on yer own team,"** the red mech pointed out.

"**Sure, but Thundercracker really doesn't want to get that into me. Trust me, I've tried."** She looked up to the still disturbed Optimus sweetly before turning back to Ironhide. **"I don't mind since it's not like he's my first choice anyway. Why settle for Jacob Black when it's Edward Cullen I have my spark set on?"**

"**What in tha' pit is that even suppose tah mean?!"**

"**Harrumph, you're not even fluent in basic cybertronian lore so it comes as no surprise you can't understand a simple reference to Earth literature,"** she stated smugly. **"So uncultured."**

Prowl chose that moment to interject with, **"I would hardly consider the novelization of****'Twilight' in any way related to the concept of literature, no matter the planet."**

Spoiler revved her engine merrily before her voice rang out, **"I don't know what should be more embarrassing for you, Prowly. That you got the reference or that you just made it publicly known you got the reference."**

The tactician shuddered and took one step towards the femme but otherwise remained in his general position. Meanwhile the Decepticon continued her account as though yet another awkward moment didn't just occur on her behalf while Ironhide regarded her intently. He was still unable to determine if this arrangement was actually worth possibly winning the war over. He also wondered, _**what's this here con after, anyway?**_ Decepticons don't make deals if they don't have the advantage, so there had to be some ulterior motive. _**Is her aim just tah rile up tha' two most prominent bots on muh team?**_ If that's the case then her plan clearly wasn't working. Sure Prowl and Optimus were obviously beyond perturbed but it wasn't detracting from the success of the Autobots. Otherwise she should've switched tactics or aborted altogether by now.

He was brought back from his suspicions when Spoiler finished her report. He released a pent up rush of heat in relief before standing while Prowl stiffly thanked the con for her cooperation. She barely acknowledged him, choosing to address Optimus instead. **"You know, we should totally go for a drive after one of these boring meetings. Pit, I'll even take my top down."** The innuendo was accompanied by two flashes from the emergency lights that rested on her shoulders in bipedal mode.

Optimus, ever the diplomat, somehow avoided the question as he brought the conversation back to Spoiler's departure. She barely seemed to notice while Ironhide again resisted the urge to scream out his opinion on the entire matter. He was just so thankfully she was finally leaving. _**And not ah nanoclick too soon.**_

After making her way to the tunnel entrance she paused and looked back at Optimus longingly. With a shy smile the femme all too affectionately said, **"We're really not so different, you know. We even share common interests. For instance, we both love interacting with the organics."**

For Prime's sake Ironhide was able to keep his finger off the watergun's trigger but couldn't stop himself from growling out, **"Help'ing and hurt'ing ain't exactly analogous."**

Her usually blithe demeanor actually gave way to a flash of rage before Spoiler quickly composed herself. She then responded in a mocking tone, **"aww, sounds like someone finally downloaded some bigger vocab. Must be from all that time spent on a berth getting your aft patched back up by med-mech."** Before Ironhide could retort she gave her full attention back to Optimus. **"Either way, why let a silly little thing like semantics roadblock us?"**

The Autobot leader looked to Prowl before answering her. **"Spoiler, I greatly appreciate what you've been doing for us and the risks you're taking. But-"**

"**Hey, no worries,"** she cut him off.** "You can have all the time you need to consider it. Meanwhile I'll just have to settle for getting lost in those big, baby blue optics of yours."** For emphasis she then proceeded to stare up at him hungrily.

Prowl shifted his weight restlessly before emitting a rough cycle of air through his vents. **"If our business is concluded I suggest we go our separate ways."** His stance suggested he was fighting against his own combat protocols to remain in position.

With her sneaky smile back in place the femme huffed before transforming back into her alt mode. **"Alright,"** her voice chimed out from the speakers. **"I know when I've overstayed my welcome. But you really can't blame me for wanting to put my aft in reverse to back up onto that shiny bot."**

Ironhide ground his mouth components before growling, **"I could come up with ah whole mess o' things tah blame yah fer."**

"**Well, good thing you're not in Prowly's position or I'd actually be in trouble."** She then reared back on her tires slightly and called out, **"Oh, and Prime? Next time leave old lead-head in your med-bay. ****The way he keeps waving that gun around makes me think the twins probably replaced his operating system with Duck Hunt****."** Throwing herself into drive, the Saturn peeled out of the meeting room. The three mechs were left to stare at her retreating form before turning to each other. Somehow her absence only managed to increase the awkwardness between them.

Optimus looked from Prowl to Ironhide several times before his optics settled on the chief of security. The lower audio guard he wore wobbled slightly as though he wanted to say something but stilled as he seemed to think better of it. The red and blue mech then stared down at his servos before excusing himself from the room politely.

Without even looking at Ironhide, Prowl began speaking. His voice was low and daunting as he said, **"While your method of shooting first and possibly asking questions later has served us well in the past; it is not the most beneficial approach to this matter. Now that you are privy to the classified arrangement I will have to make several points very clear."** The mech then began gathering the newly inscribed datapads and depositing them in his subspace unit as his voice took on a condescending tone. **"You will not, in any way, jeopardize this opportunity for us. I do understand the moral concern of collaborating with the enemy; that it goes against standard operating procedure and near every protocol. Even still, statistically we would be glitched not to utilize this advantage."** When the last datapad was stored the tactician turned to the security chief and added, **"If it would make this arrangement more bearable for you, know that after we have won the war you are granted full authorization to offline that misbesparked femme. Permanently. More than authorize, I request that you do it. I trust no one else has the talent or the spark to insure that we never hear one more shameless and crass bit of verbiage from that Primus cursed speaker system."**

While listening to the actually irate tactician Ironhide wondered if he could get Ratchet to just wipe the existence of this entire encounter from his memory banks. Though knowing himself, the abhorrent event would only repeat when his curiosity about the extended meeting time refreshed and got the better of him again. _**Tha horrors o' war sure ain't what they use tah be.**_

"**As of now,"** Prowl continued with a stiffening of his doorpanels. **"Any action taken against Spoiler will not be tolerated. Also, if you even process disclosing anything that has occurred here know that it will be denied adamantly and you shall find yourself reprimanded accordingly."** His doorwings ruffled lightly when he finished with, **"I already had this discussion with Optimus. He has reluctantly agreed to these conclusions. That should be verification enough for you."** The black and white mech's optics flashed white with a promise of pain if Ironhide did not comply before he departed from the room.

Lowering himself into a chair roughly, Ironhide stared at the wall containing the hidden passageway and considered his options. He couldn't help but feel that the safety of the base, his responsibility, was compromised. A Decepticon has been within the Ark and him none the wiser. How could he allow for such a breach of security to occur? And though he loathed admitting it, even to himself, that tight-piped bot had a point. Not only were the Decepticons at a sever disadvantage, the Autobots really were winning.

Looking down at the beloved watergun before depositing it in his subspace compartment, Ironhide came to a conclusion. He then stood and thought aloud, **"case this don't pan out, gonna be need'ing tah go see tha' engineer 'bout ah bigger gun."**

_But in my heart you start to grow on me  
Kind of suddenly  
So now I've changed direction _

**Angst Behind the Humor:**

It was tragic, really. And not just having fallen in love with the enemy leader. Clichéd slag like that happens all over the 'verse. The real problem is if Optimus were to return even a fraction of the affection she harbored for him, he would no longer be the mech she was so headlights-over-tailpipe for. To love a Decepticon would compromise his strong moral foundation. So she allowed the Autobot's to use her, even if the entire arrangement was Prowl's idea in the first place. Optimus at least somewhat agreed to it, which meant he was willingly taking advantage of her. And that was a perfectly understandable way for him to act in this time of war and upheaval amongst their kind. And for her it was better than nothing... at least for the time being.

_**Alright. Now that that scrapheap of retrospect is out of the way, onto squishing some squishies!**_

_Knowing it might seems strange  
Love came over me  
Feeling the luck has changed  
Do you want me, like I want you? _


	2. A Good Excuse for Friendly Fire

**Author's Note:** So much for this just being a one-shot deal. And to think it all started as a list of bad Transformers pick-up lines. I probably shouldn't be having this much fun writing a character based on me that no one in my beloved fandom actually likes.

**Disclaimer:** Just borrowing, except for Spoiler. I can't imagine anyone else wanting credit for thinking her up.

**Related Music:** Mary Prankster – Mercy[Frag] (This won't be M rated if I can help it)

Designation: Spoiler

Chapter 2 - A Good Excuse for Friendly Fire

_I'm not amused anymore_

_And nothing's a muse anymore_

_I sing of love and of hate_

_But I'm just masturbating my soul_

Skywarp and Thundercracker were back on the Nemesis after excessively practicing aerial combat maneuvers with that slaveflyer, Starscream. Their break should have started at the beginning of this shift. Only now were they headed towards their quarters for a too long awaited recharge. Thundercracker was as solemn as ever, though this didn't deter Skywarp from the re-telling of his latest prank on the Insecticons. The blue seeker had been civilly nodding and ventilating in acknowledgment throughout most of the story. A gesture that lessened after Skywarp's voice faded out upon turning that last corner leading to their destination.

_**Her again?**_ The purple and black seeker thought with far more amusement than annoyance. At the same time he glanced over to assess his wingmech's reaction to their impromptu visitor. Thundercracker didn't even miss a step as they continued to move down the hallway.

Meanwhile, the small femme idling just outside their door perked up once she spotted them. Dark red optics lit up in barely contained excitement before advancing on the seeker's position. Skywarp couldn't help but note the way she was leering at Thundercracker beside him. _**As if TC were the only mech in the 'verse**_, he thought with a roll of his optics.

Spoiler's overly pronounced hip junction swaying in a blatant attempt at enticement while her voice chimed out, **"what took you so long? I was sure I set up the time slots accordingly."** She murmured the last part more to herself before moving to walk beside them. **"Not that I mind waiting up. I made sure to fix my assignments so we'd have the same time slots off. Isn't that great?"** The femme then fluttered her optic guards up at Thundercracker. After following her gaze Skywarp had a hard time suppressing a sputtering chuckle.

The blue seeker was staring past her and probably off in his own processor again. Wing panels were pulled back and his faceplating held a relatively blank expression as he continued towards their quarters. Overall his frame conveyed an utter lack of interest. For whatever reason, that seemed to give Spoiler further incentive to keep going.

"**I get that you might be tired and want to take a quick stasis nap first. I can just wait out here till you're done. I don't mind, really. Then maybe we could go to the Rec Room together… get our energon rations… you could tell me about your cycle…"** Her optics bore into Thundercracker's expectantly as she tried to keep up with their longer strides.

At this point, Skywarp had no clue which of the cons was more fun to watch; the desperate femme or the apathetic mech. So he settled for shifting his helm back and forth between the two, not wanting to miss an astrosec of their awkward interaction. He continued to stifle grinding snickers so as not to disrupt the moment.

As if just taking note of the uncomfortable silence, Thundercracker seemed to focus before actually looking down towards the femme. He squared his wing bearing shoulders before asking, **"Were you just saying something?"** The blue seeker didn't even wait long enough to see the effect that had on Spoiler before continuing to move past her. This left Skywarp alone to delight in the visual high-grade this scene was to his optic sensors as he slowed his own pace.

With a look of dismay, Spoiler shifted not too gracefully into Thundercracker's path. Instead of brushing past her, the mech actually allowed his wing panels to scrape against the side of the corridor just to avoid the potential for physical contact. Skywarp would have cringed in sympathy, knowing just how uncomfortable that was, if it weren't so fragging hilarious. Any semblance of composure the seeker was holding on to vanished faster than he could teleport. Soon he could hardly hear Spoiler's whimpers over the sound of his boisterous laughter. Her thinly plated shoulder joints slumped while watching Thundercracker disappeared into his quarters.

Skywarp couldn't help himself. Furtively, he teleported to stand directly behind the femme while she continued to stare longingly at the now closed door. Coyly he asked, **"so what do you visually process in TC, anyway?"**

He delighted even further upon watching her startled frame shoot up into the air almost as high as he was tall. Once back on the ground where she belonged, Spoiler regarded him wearily as if noticing the purple and black seeker for the first time. Irately she snapped, **"Go rust in the Pit."**

Skywarp enjoyed the way she took a step back from him and couldn't resist a twisted smile. **"It's just an observation,"** he remarked in a voice saturated with false innocence. For whatever reason, this little dirt-roller had shiny optics for his wingmech. So much so that her chest plating practically cracked open every time the blue seeker entered her periphery field. **"I've also noticed that TC doesn't seem to share the same sentiment."**

"**You sure sputter a lot of exhaust for a flyer."** Servos crossed that barely defined chassis as she spoke. It was in the shape of her vehicle mode's back bumper and didn't do much for her appearance in robotic form.

_**Someone's feisty**_, Skywarp thought and his grin widened. Though he wasn't interested in anything but making her cringe at the moment, a new idea crossed his wires. Before the mech could fully think it through he asked, **"Ever break to consider you've been signaling the wrong plane?"** Watching her mandible drop open in outraged shock was well worth the implication at his own expense.

"**Listen, you processorless crank shaft!"** Her voice lost its bell like tone in exchange for an infuriated ring. **"I'm not some outlet waiting to be plugged by the first prong to slither my way. I've got standards."**

"**So does TC,"** Skywarp replied curtly. _**Ouch, that was brutal even for me**_. The hurt look in Spoiler's optics not only confirmed that but encouraged him to continue flying with it. **"I think your failure at any semblance of a kinky plane ride with my associate is Primus' way of saying that encoding your defective little spark was an error."** He didn't know where all this malice was coming from, but frag did it work wonders on reshaping that surprisingly malleable chrome face of hers.

"**Why you scrapped excuse for a Decepticon elitist…"** Spoiler's frame vibrated with fury and the sound of her engine revving filled the corridor.

"**Hey, I'm not the one that built you to get lubed up for the one mech who'd never interface with you. Must have been Primus' idea to fix that mistake, right?"**

Her systems quieted down a few decibels and her optics stared back at him blankly. Skywarp couldn't tell if the lightening of their color was an indicator that Spoiler's battle systems were coming online or as proof of a crack down her mainframe.

"**Think about it, dirt-roller. Can't reproduce if a mech's not willing to strike his spark anywhere near yours. And that way, no sparkling will be created for you to nurture into deactivation in that undersized chassis of yours."** As he spoke, the seeker gestured to his altform's cockpit where his own spark chamber resided beneath. **"And here I thought you were just glitched when it came to battle. Now you don't even comprehend our basic reproduction?"**

She was already charging before he finished the sentence. It still wasn't fast enough. With a static laced snicker, the seeker teleported to the side and watched gleefully as Spoiler stumbled to the ground where he previously stood. As she drew herself up for a second attack, Skywarp briskly teleported yet again to now stand further off but still in front of her.

The femme snarled while retrieving a blaster from subspace. **"Put it in park so I can rip your miserable aft a few new exhaust vents!"**

"**You're the one with the aim of a half-built protoform,"** he taunted before the plasma blast from her weapon rang out. Reappearing directly behind Spoiler, Skywarp took hold of her wrist joints. Applying pressure to the right transformation seam caused the femme's grip on the blaster to release and leave her unarmed.

Spoiler's vocalizer screeched with threats at too high a frequency for him to discern. Rolling his optics, the seeker pulled her thrashing frame to his. _**Well that put a muffler on her,**_ he noted as nervous static replaced her unbearable shrieks. Even with the apprehended femme pressed against him, Skywarp could hardly consider this anything more than his latest prank. Especially when another warped idea entered his central processing unit that simply had to be acted upon.

Who knows, Spoiler might just be desperate enough to let any seeker at her port. **"In case you haven't noticed, TC and I do share the same frame,"** he hummed into her audio unit. **"From behind like this… you could just pretend I'm blue."**

If she hadn't been struggling before, she sure was now. Tightening his grip on her wrist junctures, Skywarp maneuvered her so that any blows she managed to land with those flailing legs would barely graze his armor.

Meanwhile, the thought of telling Thundercracker about how he made this little femme scream the blue seeker's name was positively tantalizing. After all, he had interfaced with worse back on Cybertron. Though at that time his systems were intoxicated with enough high-grade to make even Devastator's optics glisten. Besides, turning this game into a quick uplink and unload could even be fun to brag about in the wash racks later. _**Come to think of those wash racks…**_

"**Hey, before I actually decide to completely downgrade in my preference of outlets to plug into, you might want to go clean up."**

He felt her go rigid against him at that. **"Why of all the-"**

"**You've got little bits of squishy squished in your treads."** He watched the back of her spoiler encrusted helm bend down to see the chunky smear of red along her tires. The splatter also marred her purple complexion on the surrounding plating.

Loosening his hold, Skywarp shoved the femme to the ground with a rattling chuckle. After she regained her balance to face him, the seeker briefly closed the guard over one optic suggestively before saying, **"Catch you later."**

Prior to disappearing, he heard Spoiler's outraged shriek but was already gone long before she could attempt any semblance of retaliation.

_If I fawn, if I flirt, I just keep getting hurt_

_And it's taken its toll_

8-8-8-8

_I'm not a kid anymore_

_I don't know what I did anymore_

_But on every damn pass, karma bushwacks my [aft]_

_And I get it all back_

Scavenger sat slumped over in the wash wracks as cool water continued to pool inside the shovel extension of his excavator shaped alt mode. In robotic form it hung off his back awkwardly and too often got in the way of everyone else. Currently, no matter how many times he repositioned it, the sensation of liquid collecting on the receptive metal agitated him. Having to put up with it was almost as frustrating as the events leading up to this.

The Constructacons were remodeling what used to be the energon storage room. Thanks to that black and white Auto-aft of a saboteur, Jazz, a cube from their most recent haul had been rigged to explode. It took out that last shipment, most of what they had in reserve, and a good portion of the Nemesis' hull. Now the Decepticon's scarcely had enough left to fuel themselves, let alone anything to send back to Cybertron. Scavenger was barely able obtain the cube currently held just outside the falling water's range.

_**And of course I'm the only one who doesn't get warned before Mixmaster 'accidentally' spills his latest concoction. **_Scavenger's vents released a pent up sigh of exasperation. _**At least the wash racks are empty.**_ It was bad enough his fellow Constructacons saw him coated in that rancid sludge. He really didn't need images of it circulating amongst the rest of the crew as well. _**And it's not like my supposed teammates need any more reasons to call me a waste of armor.**_ Almost as if on cue, the door to his washroom slid open to reveal the last con he wanted to deal with right now.

"**Decepticon, transform and roll the frag out of my way!" ** From the look of her, Spoiler's foul mood just might rival his own. The purple femme didn't even wait for Scavenger to move before sprawling out on the bench beside him. Her alt mode's convertible canopy knocked into him rudely.

_**What's got her servos bent now,**_ he wondered just before the small con reached over to snatch the energon cube from his hand. _**If ever there were a good excuse for friendly fire…**_ the green mech thought spitefully while watching the swirling pink fluid disappear past the plating of her lips. **"Oh for booting up cold! We only get one each this cycle."**

He regretted having spoken up at all when she shifted her position to glare right back at him. There had always been something off about Spoiler, and it wasn't just her aim in combat. That mainframe had to be missing more than the necessary megabits so it was a wonder she hadn't been scrapped stellar cycles ago. Not that Scavenger could really talk. Sure the only one more useless in battle then him was her. But that was only because Devastator would look slightly less imposing without the right arm he could transform into.

"**Oops, how inconsiderate of me."** With that said she smashed the empty cube against his chassis.

Scavenger's frame began to steam under the steady flow of water. **"I take a lot of scrap from cons that are actually productive around here. I don't process why I should put up with it from you, too."**

"**I've got a slagging good reason for you!"**

She was on him before he even registered her moving. The purple femme climbed up and over Scavenger's green chassis towards his back. Startled, he reached up to try and grab her but Spoiler was already out of range. Her fingers curled around his spinal struts, preventing him from shaking her off. _**Oh, you're going to regret that,**_ he thought viciously.

Scavenger leaned forward suddenly for the extra momentum just before slamming his back against the stall. The femme never made contact. Instead the shovel from his alt mode, the only attribute that gave him individual purpose, struck. Its sensors detected several alloys that the wall's structure was comprised of. It also sent pain signals screaming through his central processing unit. Disoriented by this onslaught of input, the mech crashed to the ground.

Spoiler slowly stood from her position on the floor to advance towards his. Scavenger just laid there, mainframe busy fighting to sort through the data. He was barely aware of her hands maneuvering his prone form across the slick floor. So thanks to the systems lag it didn't even register that his helm was being plunged into an uncovered drain. Only when warnings flashed across his vision did Scavenger notice that his tanks were rapidly filling with liquid.

After a brief struggle against gravity the mech managed to push up and away from the drain. Now in a seated position on the stall floor he hacked out water that had leaked into his coolant system. After excessively sputtering from vents Scavenger gasped out, **"aren't you supposed to be terrible at fighting?"**

"**You sorta did the hard part for me,"** Spoiler replied cheekily. She was currently lounging on a bench while basking under the faucet.

The mech rolled his optics before saying, **"At least you're running better." **_**Meanwhile my ventilating system won't function properly till Hook looks into it.**_

In reply, the femme's smile broadened and her engine rumbled merrily.

"**Yeah, well… appreciate it while you can."**

The plating of her lips twitched before demanding, **"Now what are you getting at?"**

Scavenger shrugged. **"Cons like us-"**

"**Let's get at least one glitch grounded. I'm **_**nothing**_** like you."** The light emanating from Spoiler's optics appeared brighter through the sheen of falling water.

Scavenger's gesture towards his Decepticon symbol was accompanied by a voice saturated in sarcasm. **"No, since when have you ever come across as desperate to prove yourself to these slaggers."** Shaking his helm wearily, he added, **"Primus knows I've tried to dig up anything valuable as a show of my own worth. And all that's left me with is a pile of bad memory files. You're right about that one thing. I might just be another cog in a machine, but at least that machine devastates for our greater good. You just run down fleshlings arbitrarily."**

"**You're right"**

"**I'm- what?"** Scavenger gawked at her in disbelief.

"**I need to take matters into my own servos."** She jumped down from the bench with a twisted gleam to her optics. **"To stop acting like a failure just because I'm treated like one here. There'll be no wallowing in self pity on heaps of organic trash for this con!"**

"**Wait, how'd you know that I-?"**

He stopped short when she leaned forward to briefly press her helm against his. **"Thanks,"** she murmured before rushing from the room without drying off.

This left Scavenger to wonder what just in the Pit happened and how it would come back to kick him in the aft later.

_And I don't want to move anymore_

_I've got nothing to prove anymore_

8-8-8-8

_I wish I could [frag] all the memory I keep_

_[Frag] the next ten years and just go to sleep_

_I'm [fragged] if I do and I'm [fragged] if I say_

_I'm [fragged] if I don't, so I'm [fragged] anyway_

Soundwave regarded the communications console in resignation before issuing a command.

_**Initiating: comprehensive systems scan. Estimated duration: 2 cycles.**_

The main computer's automatic settings were now set to evaluate the somewhat less heavily encrypted information. The more sophisticated data would be reserved for his superior processing ability. It was a bleak cycle indeed when he, the head of communications, became required to scrutinize datapads.

The Autobot's recent ability to consistently thwart Megatron's plans is what made this auxiliary monitoring necessary. Considering the accumulated reports in relation to the most recent details of enemy interference, the blue mech searched through his CPU for answers. It always came down to one logical conclusion: a traitor was in their midst.

_**Locating: files in relation to probable suspects. Commencing: thorough examination procedure.**_

The standard offenders had already been crossed examined numerous times. The most expected of which being the Decepticon second in command, Starscream. The red seeker has always been the first perpetrator Soundwave ever considered responsible for the failed inner works of their faction.

The recent increase in number and duration of drills with his team of seekers had become particularly suspicious. Was this act supplementing Starscream's latest attempt at insubordination? Perhaps preparing to move in and take control after the Autobots defea-

_**Correction: if. **_He stressed that pointedly to himself. Self-defeatist thoughts were counterintuitive to his task, so the communications officer deviated to another notion.

The second in command's actions could just be an exercise in caution that had become typical of Starscream's cowardly indoctrination. Thus he may simply be preemptively training during a time of unease for the Decepticons. No matter, it was not him.

Soundwave scrutinized the screens surrounding him in his office. He had each locked onto a different Decepticon for the past seven cycles. The plan was to have their activities mapped out at specific intervals. At the end of this shift he intended to evaluate each recorded feed individually. This way, he could sort through and reestablish new suspects that actually correlated with the information leak. It was tedious undertaking, but necessary since he still had no leads. At this point the culprit could be anyone.

Consumed near entirely by his work, the blue mech dourly registered the entry of an intruder. **"Leave,"** he commanded brusquely.

One of the many screens Soundwave observed displayed a small purple femme sauntering over to his console before making herself far too comfortable in front of it. By simply turning his helm to the side he was able to further assess Spoiler's presence. A trail of liquid accompanied her, giving the blue mech even more of a reason then usually to dismiss the femme. **"Attention. Time allowance for extracurricular activates in communications office: surpassed. Leave."**

"**Yeah, I know I was already here two cycles ago. Just give me a few extra clicks and I'll be out of your wires for good."** While speaking, Spoiler logged into one of the many modems with thankfully dry hands. The rest of her frame dripped water on what used to be a pristine floor.** "Need a bit more research before I actually go through with something this drastic..."**

Soundwave considered that for a nanoclick. He was all too aware of Spoiler's eccentricities. Thusly, hearing her use the term 'drastic' only gave him further incentive to steer clear of what she may be planning this time. It was a practice he had implemented upon the first, and last, scan he performed on her central processing unit. Typically the blue mech deemed knowing the Nemesis and its crew on every conceivable level part of his personal responsibility. That femme had become an exception to this rule. When her thought processes were not excruciatingly simplistic they bordered on a neurotic level that acted like the positive feedback loop from the Pit.

While lifting a datapad to look over he announced in his monotonic tone, **"Proceed. Newly allotted time: strictly limited."**

"**I figured as much. And thanks."** She gave him a quick smile before returning to her own task. Spoiler already had several downloads going at once and now appeared to be glancing at one of his surveillance screens. **"Hey Soundwave, you ever liked someone?"** Even if he planned to respond she did not give him the chance to. **"I mean, I know you like Megatron. We all do. That's why we follow him all over the 'verse and stuff. But what I'm getting at is to maybe **_**like**_** someone in more of a… romantic way?"** Now she turned to face him, optics amplifying as though searching for a response.

Soundwave remained focused on a list of heavily encrypted information before him. He attempted to appear as though he found the data to be far more interesting than it actually was. As per usual, Spoiler did not take the indirect suggestion.

"**You see, there's this con I've **_**liked**_**…"** she began tentatively. **"I may have told you about him before. Anyway, it's like I'm not even a blip on his radar!"** She released a heavy sigh from her vents before continuing. **"And sure, he's worth all the effort but… what if there's someone else? What if there's another mech, one that actually acknowledges my existence and benefits from it."**

Unfortunately, Soundwave recalled all too well Spoiler's unrequited affection for a certain blue seeker. He recalled Rumble once stating that, _**"She'd sooner gawk at TC's aft then guard anyone else's in a fight."**_ Frankly, the thought of reliving the experience with a new con was enough to fry even his patience. Besides, this distraction could only prolong his search for the traitor. And because of a recent energon shortage the Decpeticons could not risk any further delay. So **"chatter: excessive and unwanted,"** was Soundwave's only reply.

The femme pouted up at him indignantly before shifting back to check on the status of her downloads. Appearing satisfied with the progress, she moved on to other folders before once again looking to a surveillance monitor. **"His friends don't like me very much. But at least they haven't tried to…"** her voice trailed off like the fading tone of a bell as she stood to get closer to the screen. It was depicting the recharging forms of Skywarp and Thundercracker on their separate berths.

Soundwave glanced sideways at her before putting down the datapad. Apparently a new situation had been developing that managed to slip below his radars. Something like this was calculated to be expected. His recharge time had been decreased substantially so he was not functioning at full capacity when it came to the inconsequential details of Decepticon interaction. _**Regardless,**_ he assured himself. Spoiler was reliably inefficient, tactless, and incapable of anything but the most candid of responses. If there was anything remotely substantial to be aware of regarding this she would have already prattled it out. Thusly he formulated an alternative to having to listen to her typical redundant drivel a nanoclick longer than necessary. **"Situation has been acknowledged. Suggestion: a distraction."**

Optics still fixed on the screen, Spoiler practically snapped at him with, **"and what do you process I've been trying to do here? So much for your oh so **_**superior**_** CPU's capability to understand a situation."**

"**Sarcasm: unwarranted."** Soundwave was now on his last wire with the femme. He barely tolerated her presence once every seven cycles. This impulsive visit, combined with such blatant insubordination, would not persist. Noticing a steadily growing puddle beneath the femme only affirmed that fact. He moved to tower over Spoiler, engulfing her in his boxy shadow.

Her frame stiffened just before turning to look up at the blue mech. She immediately shrank back from him while chiming out, **"Hey, I'm sorry! I really didn't mean to fritz you out or anything. I just… have a lot on my mainframe right now and forgot my place."** The femme's servos raised in a gesture of surrender.

The temptation to scan Spoiler was there but kept in check after considering past memory files. Soundwave was already too acquainted with her warped processor's capabilities. _**Lack there of,**_ he clarified to himself_**.**_ That femme was far from competent at providing adequate cover fire. She is also notorious for having poor aim and dealing minimal damage to enemy forces. As far as defensive maneuvers, her inability to remain covert along with having no concept of subtlety made her at the very most a viable target for drawing enemy fire. Perhaps this was why she preferred to go after organics for her own distorted satisfaction rather then focusing on the success of a mission. The blue mech was brought back from his musing by the sound of her hydraulics hissing in movement.

Watching him cautiously, Spoiler used one hand to slowly eject and unlink from the main computer. She then began to subspace several datapads while gingerly stepping away from him. The femme did not get far, as her stabilizing servos lost traction on the wet floor beneath her. Just before crashing to the ground she shrieked, **"Sparkling of a glitch!"**

Soundwave refrained from shaking his helm at the femme's uncouth manner but her humiliating position on the floor still caused one optic ridge to arch.

After regaining her balance Spoiler looked down at herself before releasing an exasperated sigh. **"****How come I only ever end up sprawled out on the ground in front of mechs that I don't want to bump bumpers with? No offense," **she added with an unremorseful smirk.

The head of communications would not even dignify that with a verbal response.

"**Alright, I'm probably more then done here. Enjoy your Spoiler free Communications room."** The femme then walked out; leaving behind nearly all the water she had come in with.

The blue mech turned to watch her on the surveillance monitor until she exited the Nemesis and moved out of range. A curious inkling made him bring a hand up to the compartment in his chassis and announce, **"Ravage: eject."**

A black cassette emerged and transformed mid air to land as a mechanical jaguar. Ravage then looked up at the blue mech expectantly.

"**Operation: surveillance. Target: Spoiler,"** Soundwave ordered.

The feline's fanged mandible opened in a look of dismay while he held his position as though reluctant to comply.

The air of formality was dropped while Soundwave leaned down to state, **"A mission has been assigned. Compliance is expected."**

Ravage apparently had the brazen audacity to hiss at that.

This time Soundwave did shake his helm before resting a hand on Ravage's back. **"Understandable,"** was all he could really say to the second act of insubordination the blue mech had dealt with this shift. He had not been recharging enough for this. Also, how could he expect another to directly monitor that femme's activates when he would not even scan her mainframe? The communications officer was called many things by his fellow Deceptions. 'Hypocrite' would not be a new addition. **"In recompense, a thorough report on Autobot's activity: obligatory."** Frenzy would most likely suggest Ravage _**"get Bumblebee or one of his organic pets to just find him in cassette form out in the dessert and carry him in again."**_

Soundwave felt the jaguar relax somewhat under his touch and allowed for a smile behind his facial shield. This would not be a loss in the grand scheme of his security evaluation. Aside from assigned missions, Spoiler only left the base to act out against the planet's inhabitants. Thus he would continue to focus his advanced processors on the pressing concern of a capable infiltrator rather then that inept femme. She had already wasted enough of his time and her vow to abscond forever would not last long enough.

_I wish I could [frag] all of you 'til you see_

_I don't need your mercy[frag] sympathy_

_[Frag] your word and your prayers, [frag] your stares and my cares_

_[Frag] it all 'til I learn_

8-8-8-8

**Angst Behind the (downright awful) Humor:**

She was able to remain relaxed and level circuited right up till she transformed to her alt mode and began tearing down the first road she came across. That's when her mainframe screamed, _**NOTHING!**_ It's all Spoiler ever got from those hypothetical teammates. _**Well, nothing I actually want,**_ she thought with a shudder. After all those implications, the thought of staying on that craft a nanoclick longer caused her tanks to churn in disgust. At least it definitely helped to prove that this would be the last time she'd ever have to deal with those Pit spawned, slag for processors again. They were either undermining or ignoring her, anyway. Why Spoiler didn't compute this sooner she'd never know. But at least the next course of action just seemed so clear. The purple Saturn's tires squealed with joy as she peeled away from failure and onward to self-assured victory.

_I wish I could [frag] all of you 'til you see_

_I'm the worst [frag] up in all history_

_[Frag] your image and mine, [frag] your limp valentine_

_[Frag] it all 'til I learn_


	3. The Unique Circumstance

**Author's Note:** Initially I worried that maybe I took Red Alert's character a bit too far. But after re-watching "Auto-Berserk" I feel justified in my portrayal. Jazz was a challenge to balance between corny and charming. I'd like to thank KageOkami666 for helping out with getting him right. On another note, even without actual sex or excessive violence I seem to keep stretching that T rating quite thin.

**Disclaimer:** Just borrowing, except for Spoiler. I know I should be ashamed of myself.

**Related Music:** (will be named at the end so as not to completely ruin the surprise)

Designation: Spoiler

Chapter 3 – The Unique Circumstance of which she was Apprehended

_So if you're lost inside your life and_

_You're still nobody's wife and_

_You've got no education_

_And no self estimation_

_And you can't afford a new pair of shoes_

_Here's one thing you can do…_

Red Alert let out a resentful huff of air as he leaned back to better observe the live surveillance footage in the security room on the Ark. After all, it wasn't as if the cameras would watch themselves. _**Well, at least not efficiently.**_

Most of the Autobots were recharging in their private quarters during this shift, but not him. No, he knew better then to allow his systems to relax when so many other optics were offline to the hazardous world around them. And this organic planet was troubling enough without the ever looming presence of their enemies. But then, Decepticon activity always had his sensors on high alert no matter which back-verse rock they happened to be stationed on. _**Vigilance will always be the deciding factor for victor and victim in this war,**_ he reminded himself since no one else ever seemed to listen.

"**Especially not of late,"** the red, white, and black mech groused aloud.

Prowl, typically a reserved and rational bot, was now one of the worst offenders. His tactics had become disconcertingly more aggressive recently, which was exceedingly out of character for him. Red Alert couldn't help but feel his infamous paranoia demanding to be headed with just cause thanks to this development. Each new battle plan that tactician sent out was more audaciously thoughtless then the last. Yet every single one actually succeeded. _**It's almost as if he believes it'll work before even initiating it…**_

The latest reckless scheme revolved around Jazz indirectly delivering an explosive device into the Decepticon's home base. The very idea was completely absurd as it has been attempted before, each time getting found out by the con on duty faster than the last. But for whatever reason, this rigged energon cube was not only shipped to the Nemesis but made it inside. And if recent reports were to be trusted, it also managed to detonate and take out a sizable portion of the ship and supplies.

After accessing his memory files, Red Alert recalled a comparison Sideswipe tried to make for him. The red twin had said, _**"It's gonna be like a fatality! You know, where the winner in a fighting game gets to punch in a specific sequence so the loser dies even more gruesomely than usual. All we need to do is settle on which buttons to smash for that win."**_ Red Alert would rather call such unnecessary antics overkill. And while an irresponsible waste of resources was more than fine by his chief of security, Ironhide, this security director preferred a much more definitive approach. After all, how was one to be certain their enemy was actually taken out? Especially if there's a heinous mushroom cloud obscuring the view.

Most alarming of all for Red Alert was that there had been absolutely no Decepticon activity since Jazz's mission. For the Autobots this meant that their success was imminent. At least that's how his fellow bots have been acting. To the red, black, and white mech it simply equated to that calm just before flying into the proverbial meteor shower.

His thoughts were abruptly shot off course as something on one of the screens caught his optic. Turning to view the footage from camera 42, Red Alert noticed an inconsistency that was definitely not there a few nanoclicks ago. Quickly he transferred the video to a larger viewing screen and began scrutinizing it. The recording was of the Autobot's meeting room. Its typical gray coloring appeared darker in the dimmed light and there was now a blackness which indicated an opening in the wall. _**Wait- that wasn't in the ships schematics!**_

He considered sounding the alarm right then and there, but his black hand paused over the lever when he recalled a statistic. His ratio of false alarms to legitimate emergencies was never particularly impressive. But of late it had gotten far worse. He felt that the Autobots should be relieved by how quickly he chose to act in what could have been a moment of truth. Regretfully, many of his comrades did not share that perspective. The preemptive warnings instead made them prone to take him less seriously. And since now was as critical a time as ever, Red Alert needed them to believe and take proper action in the event of an alarm sounding.

So instead he considered the monitor carefully before looking to the other screens that were in similar vicinities. _**There!**_ A flash of movement cut across one camera's view before moving to another's. He followed it on five separate screens before it vanished. _**Thought I had all those pesky blind spots taken care of,**_ he brooded to himself.

Red Alert frowned as he turned to regard the emergency lever. Pulling it would easily relieve his apprehension. After all, the Decepticons were even more of a threat now that they were on the brink of utter defeat. So they might be desperately bold enough to send a lone con to the Ark to enact some fiendish scheme. _**Though if it's one of them, at best this would have to be a suicide mission. And no con's ever deliberately put their spark on the line for the good of that faction.**_ Red Alert had to be absolutely certain that's what this actually was before he could act, especially since this could very well just be those Primus accursed twins pulling another prank. And while Prowl may appreciate the security director stepping in to thwart those trouble maker's shenanigans, it would further detract from what credibility he had left.

Pressing a few buttons, Red Alert tilted camera 39 to begin zooming in on the next screen he predicted the shadowy figure would appear on. When nothing happened he went back to the footage that was already captured. After adjusting the image he compared it to the records he had on the most dangerous Decepticons. None of the readings matched any on file so he set the console to run the information through the entire database. He felt somewhat relieved that at least this sighting didn't appear to be an immediate threat just yet. But to be on the safe side, the security director scrutinized the footage with his own optics while the computer was scanning. The only thing he could be certain of at this time was that it was Cybertronian in nature and on the small side.

Needing to get another's input on this potential breech in security, he sent out a private comm message to the one bot that wouldn't completely glitch out on him, **::Inferno?::**

There was a brief burst of static before a tired voice groused, **::It's nothing, Red. Go back to your cameras.::**

**::But I didn't even say what **_**it**_** was yet,::** Red Alert objected.

Inferno paused for a click before transmitting, **::Fine. What do you think you saw this time?::**

The security director's faceplating bent into a deeper frown. _**How can I expect the rest of the base to believe me when my most trusted friend doesn't?**_ After venting a sigh he sent back, **::I have the recorded image of an unknown Cybertronian currently aboard our vessel. There is also a previously unknown point of entry opened. Are those adequate reasons to engage the emergency protocols?::**

**::You know, Red, that usually would be. If you hadn't already set off that fragging alarm more times than Sunstreaker waxes himself in a cycle.:: **Inferno's tone softened as he added, **::Look, just make sure it's not one of our guys or a systems glitch first, alright?::**

Tapping his finger against the emergency lever, Red Alert thought about that before sending back, **::Understood.::** He then broke the connection and turned his attention to the screens. _**Apparently instincts and suspicious shadowy frames still wouldn't be enough for them.**_

With sensors fully activated to detect movement on any of the monitors, he resigned himself to gathering tangible evidence on this potential threat. That's when he spotted another opening that shouldn't have been there, this one a doorway. His suspicion gave way to confusion when he recognized it as leading to the private quarters of his leader, Optimus Prime.

Activating surveillance equipment in the room, Red Alert waited for those rarely used security measures to boot up. The audio came on first and the sound of air cycling through vents was heard. Still suspicious, he heightened his already sensitive hearing receptors. Immediately he was able to distinguish that there were actually two distinct cooling systems running. Upon turning up the volume on his equipment, Red Alert could now just barely pick out the creaking of metallic joints and a faint hiss of hydraulics as well. That caused the security director's hand to wrap around the lever in preparation to sound an emergency alarm just as the visual sensors came online and the room was revealed to him.

Red Alert felt himself freeze up at either the most confusing, scandalous, or potentially life threatening scene he had ever beheld. Optimus Prime was lying on his berth and by all outward appearances deep in recharge. Straddled across his midsection perched a femme he didn't recognize. Her frame appeared relaxed and was not armed with any visible defensive or offensive equipment. She just seemed to be intently watching the Autobot leader. Then she leaned forward and managed to coax his chest plates open, revealing his spark chamber and the matrix. Red Alert couldn't help but stare dumbly at the screen until an all too familiar purple symbol on her frame was exposed when her arm moved to open her own chassis.

The sound of emergency sirens blaring was followed by his computer console pinging in recognition. It had finally identified the unknown Cybertronian as a Decepticon, DESIGNATION: Spoiler.

8-8-8-8

_So listen up sisters, I've got some cheerful news_

_About what to do if you get caught with the blues..._

Jazz couldn't help but feel intrigued by this all too interesting development. Of late it felt like the only offenders occupying the Autobot's brig were Autobots. Being sent there was Prowl's preferred means of punishment for wayward mechs and pranksters. But since the war had turned in their favor, retaining enemy prisoners was no longer a priority. So something had obviously changed because a Decepticon femme currently lounged rather awkwardly behind the glowing bars of a cell.

For the first time in megacycles, guard duty had become exceedingly interesting. So of course Jazz couldn't help but pull rank to get it during this shift. Casually he prompted the prisoner, **"So, ta what do we owe the visit?"**

Spoiler held his gaze with steady red optics when she answered, **"If this is supposed to be an interrogation you're doing it wrong. You know, something more like making demands, spouting out threats, maybe torture?"** She was projecting anxiousness behind the false bravado.

That curled his faceplating into a smile. **"Can't a bot just have a nice conversation without it turnin inta some sorta confrontation?"**

"**Not with a con, he can't."** the femme snapped back.

Maintaining his relaxed demeanor Jazz remarked, **"Such hostility. It's a surprise the Decepticons don't let ya out more. Though ah guess ah can understand why. Especially considerin how quickly ya botched this up."** He watched for her reaction, curious to see what the statement would make her reveal.

Arching an optic guard with suspicion she asked, **"What do you know of it? You're not even on Prowl's list of Autobots that were told about my… arrangement with you guys."**

_**I figured he had somethin ta do with this. Now ta fimd out exactly what that entails,**_ Jazz thought. Aloud he replied, **"Shinyspark, ah'm Jazz. And the Jazz bot's on any list he wants ta be."**

"**Great, so you already know everything anyway,"** Spoiler vented in exasperation. Then added, **"So what happens now?"**

"**That depends entirely on ya, lil' femme. And just so we don't miss anythin important, how's about ya start at the beginnin. Details bein essential and all."** He subspaced a recording device in preparation.

She sat up and moved closer to the bars at that. **"Wait a click; don't you already know?"**

Without hesitation the mech explained, **"This is just for the record. Ya know how Prowl is with his protocol and regulations."** Jazz waved the recorder for emphasis.

She nodded with a knowing smile at that. **"Yeah, and here I thought Soundwave was bad."** After a humorless chuckle Spoiler launched into her story. Apparently, one can only push a femme so far before she starts looking for love in an even less likely place. At least that was her case. Without getting so much as a **"Frag off"** from Thundercracker for stellar cycles, she set her sights even higher to the leader of her enemy faction, Optimus Prime. It was hard to discern exactly why or how that happened since every time Optimus was mentioned her voice shot up several octaves while emitting a gush of squeals.

Jazz had to ask the excited femme to repeat herself more articulately. Only then was he able to piece together how her business with the Autobots actually started in the first place. Turns out, in the aftermath of a battle Spoiler had crossed paths with Optimus while he was alone and injured. Instead of attacking the enemy like any sane Decepticon, she attempted to flirt with him. The explanation was then derailed for a rant about all the pick-up lines the con tried on him. Jazz couldn't help himself but release a resounding laugh. Especially when she said that even complimenting the Autobot Leader's literal **"wash-board abs of steel"** didn't seem to flatter him.

Spoiler didn't appear offended by his outburst and used it as a segway to continue. She next explained how Prowl soon came upon the peculiar scene. She took particular delight in describing how the tactician's logic circuits nearly shorted out because of her. Once Prowl had recovered he seized upon the rare, if not bewildering, opportunity. He offered the con a deal, promising to allow her to see Optimus if she provided the Autobot's with any information they asked for in exchange. She was hesitant at first but her loyalty to the Decepticon's was no match for her twisted aspirations. So with Prime sitting in stunned silence, the second in command created a schedule of 'dates' for him to have with the con. She was all too excited to let Prowl set everything on his terms. Just so long as she at least got to be in the same room as Optimus, she would comply. Since then, Spoiler has been feeding the Autobots the means for their recent victories.

She seemed beyond happy that someone was listening to her. Jazz was just happy to have someone finally telling him what had been going on. Being one of the Autobot's commanding officers, he was used to being informed about everything. And if he wasn't, he'd find out rather quickly. But this matter in particular has been near impossible for him to crack. As head of special operations, Jazz felt he was more than entitled to know the origins of the information they were receiving. Especially since he was putting his spark on the line by relying on it. Instead, the second in command continued to send him on missions based on statistics and data no bot could have gotten a hold of. Not even Mirage with his invisibility talent. Though now that Jazz finally knew what the secret was behind the Autobot's success, he wasn't sure he blamed Prowl for attempting to leave him out of it.

Spoiler was about to go into exactly what she was up to during this unscheduled trip to the Ark when an authoritative voice called out, **"You have not been scheduled for guard duty this shift. That is primarily because you were not authorized to work it. Explain yourself."** Prowl then entered the room, flanked by Ironhide and Red Alert. His stoic features remained blank though the flash of outrage in his optics was hard to miss. Behind him Ironhide looked smug while Red Alert practically exhuded apprehension.

Lazily, Jazz stood up and faced his fellow bots. **"Drift looked like he needed a break."** He pointed behind him at Spoiler before adding, **"And can ya really blame him?"**

Red Alert abruptly looked to Prowl in outrage and bellowed, **"You left an ex con to guard her? Have you completely deleted every sane program you had left?!"**

Before the tactician could respond, Ironhide cut in with **"Are yah kidding? Comparatively, that's tha most reasonable thing he's done about that there Decepticreeper in megacycles."**

"**If neither of you wishes to join her I suggest muting your vocal processors on that matter for the time being,"** Prowl ordered in a calmly seething voice. He then turned to the third in command and stated, **"Jazz, your presence here places you in violation of several codes of conduct that you are supposed to enforce as a commanding officer."**

"**Is that your way of asking me ta step inta the cell with her for punishment? Cause in that case ah'm more than happy ta oblige. Especially since this story she's been tellin me was just about ta get where ya'd most likely want it ta go."** With that said he turned back to the femme and graced her with his most charming smile. **"Isn't that right, shinyspark?"**

Spoiler looked like she didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. She seemed to settle for just crossing her servos and turning her back on the lot of them.

Prowl's lip plating twitched in what Jazz easily identified as the second in command's subtle version of a sneer before he spoke. **"That in no way entitles you to be here at this time."** One of his door wings perked up slightly when he added, **"Nevertheless, I do require that information. Especially considering the… unique circumstance of which she was apprehended."**

Ironhide scoffed at that. **"Yeah, tha one time we have an actual emergency and ol' Red Alert here takes his oily time warn'ing us about it."**

The security director looked taken aback and in defense declared, **"Well if it weren't for your incessant need to undermine what I consider a potential threat then maybe-"**

"**-Then maybe yah should reevaluate what yah process 'threat' to mean,"** Ironhide interjected. **"Cause I'll tell yah what it ain't: anything that's not ah fragg'ing con in our base!"**

Prowl turned on the security bots with an icy glare that extinguished their bickering.

Taking advantage of the lull, Jazz asked, **"So how come they get ta know about this?"** The implied 'before me' was self explanatory by his tone.

The second in command appeared guilty before trying to explain himself. **"There were… extenuating circumstances that could not be helped."**

Jazz briefly retracted his visor to arch an optic guard at that.

Prowl's door wings dropped slightly before he clarified. **"Initially only three parties were privy to the arrangement. Optimus Prime, our Decepticon contact, and myself. Red Alert merely made us aware of Spoiler's unauthorized visit this cycle while Ironhide..."** He seemed at a loss for how to explain that.

More for his own benefit then Prowl's, Ironhide drawled out, **"Curiosity got tha bett'er of me so I stayed fer one o' their private meet'ings."**

Somewhat bemused, Jazz looked to the chief of security, **"that actually worked?"**

"**Hey Ironhide,"** Spoiler suddenly called from her cell, getting the Autobot's attention. **"What'll it take to get you to say 'what in tarnation'?"**

Before anyone could react, the security chief had a rather wicked looking blaster rifle subspaced and aimed directly at her. Curious, Jazz tried to identify the new weapon just as Ironhide threatened, **"Give meh one more reason. That's all I need. JUST ONE!"**

"**Stand down!"** The order came from Prowl while Jazz moved in behind the red mech.

"**Sheesh, such hostility."** Brazenly she then asked,** "You sure you don't have a Decepticon code somewhere in that thick mainframe of yours, lead-head?"**

"**THAT'S IT!"**

Courtesy of Jazz, the muzzle of Ironhide's weapon was no longer aiming at the con. Instead the saboteur directed it harmlessly to the next empty cell over. While the shot rang out, a multicolored plasma blast launched through bars and into the wall. Upon contact, a wave of heat and smoke expanded outwards to envelope half of the room. When the smog began to clear Jazz saw that the plasma actually continued to burn the area around its impact site. Spoiler was holding her hands over her helm in a defensive position. She was slightly darker around the edges but otherwise appeared unharmed.

When the plasma finally smoldered out the explosion's radius had taken out a large section of the wall that the mechs could now see into. It also happened to be the section which held the room's control panel. Localized security systems soon shorted out and the glowing bars of each cell powered down. Silently staring down at the blaster rifle, a look of wonder reshaped Ironhide's face plating.

Jazz released his hold on the barrel of the red mech's weapon and stepped back. He then looked from the neutralized cell bars to the slightly singed con behind them. **"Lil' femme, if ya think suicide via enraged bot is goin ta get you otta there, you're quite mistaken."**

"**Oh please, like he even had a chance of deactivating me in a room with the second and third in command."** She then glanced over at Red Alert and added, **"no offense, but I'm gonna wager you're even more combat incapable then Scavenger."**

Red Alert balked at her but otherwise held his ground and addressed Prowl. **"This is why you make me keep the cameras turned off in that meeting room once every seven cycles? So you can listen to her emit slag like this?"**

Hearing that only seemed to encourage Spoiler to taunt him all the more. **"And what's up with the Lamborghini? I mean, wouldn't you be more fitted to transform into a short bus instead? After all-"**

"**Enough."** It was the closest to a shout Jazz had ever heard Prowl's voice get. The second in command then directed, **"Red Alert, I need you back on surveillance duty."**

The security director looked like he wanted to argue but one glare from Prowl had him about-facing and out the door. Prowl then turned his burring blue optics on Jazz.

**::Go ahead,::** Jazz dared over a private comm link. **::Just try and ask me ta miss the most interestin thing I've seen in megacycles.::** Prowl gave him an exasperated look in response.

Turning back to Spoiler he said: **"If you are done harassing my crew we have business to attend to."**

"**Really," **she asked.** "But won't that ruin your precious schedule?"**

"**You have already done so by being here, unannounced and without supervision."**

The femme lifted her arms in defeat and chimed out, **"Guess you have me there."**

"**And in custody,"** Prowl remarked with an admonitory tone. **"You have violated the terms of our agreement. Why?"**

She sent Jazz a quick smirk before saying, **"You know, you probably should've let Jazz in on this sooner. He's much better at dealing with this kinda thing then you."**

Prowl managed to stand even stiffer while saying, **"I will file that in my mainframe for the next time I decide to make a deal with a Decepticon. Now answer the question."**

Emitting a heavy sigh, Spoiler apparently had the decency to look abashed. **"Alright, alright. I had this idea. Since my own team doesn't want me around anymore and you guys… well, you know. I thought maybe I could…"** Her words trailed off into mumbles as she looked down at her stabilizing servos.

Jazz reassuringly prompted, **"we need ya ta turn up the volume, shinyspark."**

Still averting her gaze, Spoiler said, **"I, uh… thought maybe I could start my own faction."**

Prowl took a step forward and demanded, **"By stealing the Matrix of Leadership?"**

"**No,"** she huffed indignantly.

Looking somewhat perplexed he tried, **"By deactivating Prime?"**

In outrage she cried, **"No!"**

"**Then why where you-?"**

"**How could you even suggest something like that?"** Spoiler had moved to the front of her cell, pressing against the deactivated bars, **"I **_**love**_** Optimus!"**

"**Sure have a fragged up way of showing it,"** Ironhide remarked. Abruptly everyone in the room turned, as though just remembering he was still there. **"But then, nothing yah do has ever made a blip o' sense."**

The femme's voice erupted in a ringing laugh before she managed to say, **"Well of course you wouldn't get me, what with that two-bit processor of yours."**

Ironhide sneered, but otherwise seemed to keep his temper in check. **"There's noth'ing to **_**get**_**. Just jumbled programm'ing that can't decide which team to spread those flimsy servos fer."**

"**Look, you can't blame a femme for trying to play the field a bit,"** she pointed out.

"**But this here field yer on is meant fer battle!"**

Jazz couldn't stop a grin from spreading across his face plating. The entire situation was almost too much. Ironhide's weapon was held in a tight grip while a frown marred his gruff features. Meanwhile Prowl was just standing there with flickering optics. Most likely, he was doing everything in his power to keep his logic processor from shorting out. Jazz couldn't blame him. The saboteur wasn't quite able to figure out Spoiler's objective either. And Prowl typically relied on Jazz's unconventional ideas and unorthodox perspective to deal with situations like this.

The con herself was clearly attempting to stay composed. **"Oh, I'm well aware. After all, I've been the one risking my skid plate out there for your side. So show a little respect."**

Staring down his nasal ridge at her, the red mech bellowed, **"Listen here, yah crazy glitch!" We've been fight'ing Deceptitools long before yer psycho spark came online."**

"**How about actually winning?"** With a slag-ingesting grin now firmly in place Spoiler too politely continued, **"cause that sure seems like a new development to me."**

Ironhide began sputtering like a badly tuned engine. It prompted Jazz to stop playing spectator and join the verbal fray. **"Lil'femme, I think it best if ya explain what ya mean about startin a new faction. Preferably some time before Prowl needs ta get carted off ta Ratchet. Or Ironhide tries deactivatin you again."**

Spoiler looked over at the tactician and smirked. **"I guess."**

Upon hearing that, Prowl seemed to come out of his haze. Acting as though he'd been in perfect working order the entire time he stated simply, **"Proceed."**

"**Someone's a bit too excited to hear this,"** she teased, once again dodging the matter entirely. Jazz maintained a straight face which added to the effect of three sets of glowing blue optics staring her down.

Spoiler's ventilations hitched nervously before she finally explained. **"Well… it's not like I could just recruit Cybertronians. The Decepticons are all fearfully cozy under Megatron's stabilizing servo. And you guys still see me as an enemy. Even after all I've done for you,"** she added with a twinge of resentment. **"So I decided to try the only other way I could come up with... **_**creating**_** my own followers."** She then paused timidly before saying what Jazz sincerely hoped she wasn't about to. **"And who better to spark some new sparklings with then a Prime?"**

Some small part of Jazz's mainframe was pleased to note that he wasn't the only mech in the room gaping in abject shock. The rest of him was just trying to reign in enough processing power to remain standing. Ironhide wasn't so lucky. Prowl actually managed to stammer out, **"Do you have anything else to say for yourself?"**

Spoiler was slowly backing up against the wall. **"Does the defense 'it seemed like a really good idea at the time' hold up at all? Cause if not, I'm just gonna come right out and blame Scavanger for the idea. Skywarp helped!"**

_Have a baby_

_Have a baby_

_It's easy and fun!_

_Have a baby_

_Go on try one_

**Related Music:** Rachel Arieff and the Smileytown Boys - Have a Baby

8-8-8-8

**Angst Behind the Humor:**

Apparently bots can do a lot more than just blame a femme for trying. Like keep her locked up alone and in suspense. _**I'm in deep slag,**_ Spoiler thought. _**Can I even salvage this situation? Beyond my parts ending up in some squishy's salvage yard...**_

Staring from neutralized cell bars to the rather impressive hole in the adjacent cell wall, she regretted the limitation of her programmed skill set. Otherwise an escape plan might be among her possibilities. Before she could continue with self deprecating thoughts, movement within the charred hole caught her attention. Curiously she looked closer at the darkness between the support structures. A pair of glowing red optics shined back at her.

_I used to think that there was nothing I could do_

_Boo Hoo_

_I couldn't sign my name and I couldn't add two plus two_

_But then-_


	4. Help a Con Out

**Author's Note:** dabble a bit in the IDW comic continuity here but for the most part this story is taking place in the generic G1 established universe. That new character, Drift, just fit into my plot too perfectly as a canon Gary-Stu to contrast Spoiler's anti-Mary-Sue antics. Talk about a sitcom just waiting to go oh so very wrong. Along for the ride I finally have a suitable place to incorporate my favorite doctor and mad scientist mechs as well.

**Disclaimer:** Just borrowing, except for Spoiler. I'm surprised she's lasted this many chapters, too.

**Related Music:** Dreamgirls – And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going

Designation: Spoiler

Chapter 4 – Help a Con Out

_And I am telling you  
I'm not going.  
You're the best [mech] I'll ever know.  
There's no way I can ever go,_

_No, no, no, no way,_

Ravage never considered himself to be a spiritual Cybertronian, by any means. But at this very moment he sincerely prayed to Primus that his optics were malfunctioning.

The sole reason he took this reconnaissance mission was to avoid the alternative. Besides, he never minded scouting the Autobot's base before. Even when captured, the mechanical jaguar always managed to escape and more often than not, with some useful tidbit. This time he planned to come back with a particularly intriguing data file, and not just because the Decepticons desperately needed anything useful at this point in the war. Primarily he wanted to make up for his disobedience earlier.

Soundwave had enough on his mainframe to fritz over without Ravage adding insubordination to the datapad of things to deal with. But he just couldn't stand the very idea of chasing after the most useless hunk of metal this side of the galaxy. _**And that includes everything Scavenger has stockpiled in his scrap heap excuse for a berth**_, he mentally added in disgust. Spoiler never amounted to much prior to the war beginning. So it came as no surprise she was beyond useless here on Earth. Especially now that the Decepticons were at such a disadvantage during this late stage in the war.

"**Ravage… Ravage?"** The sing song voice brought him back from memory files to once again focus on the purple femme encaged before him. **"Here boy,"** she coaxed intermittently with high pitched exhales of air.

He ignored her, choosing to survey the Autobot's brig from outside the security cameras range instead. The room was dim, with only the emergency lighting activated. It looked well maintained, aside from the giant gaping hole in the wall he was currently peering in through. Its edges were jagged and blackened by some sort of energy discharge. And by the look of the scorch marks on the femme, he figured the blast was initially meant for her. _**Apparently the Autobots like having her around almost as much as we do,**_ he thought sardonically.

Currently Spoiler was slapping the plating on her upper thighs to get his attention. **"Does the good kitty wanna help Auntie Spoiler out of her cell? Yes he does, **_**yes he does.**_**"**

The only response Ravage chose to dignify that with came out as a dangerous snarl. Sure he could easily pass through the opening in the wall to enter the cell adjacent to Spoiler's. From there, the already deactivated bars would be simple to unlatch. But currently he didn't have very much incentive to do so. She was contained and out of his way for now, allowing him more time to assess the situation. _**Especially since this new development raises quite a few questions. **__**For instance, what's she even doing here? **_ His first assumption was that the Autobots had probably captured her in the act of harming their beloved human pets. _**But if that's the case, why not just deactivate her outright?**_ They certainly had no qualms with shooting to offline him when spotted in a similar situation.

The more he thought about it, the more inquiries continued to bombard his CPU. _**Though at least one thing's clear: this entire situation had a rational explanation.**_ Sure the Autobots were sentimental fools, but there was always a core program behind any maudlin actions. _**However glitched and unpractical**_. So there had to be a logical reason to incarcerate a Decepticon at this stage of the war.

_**I should have just followed her when Soundwave instructed me to,**_ he considered grudgingly. _**Sure I'd still be aggravated, but at least then I'd know the reason why.**_

An obnoxious clanging noise suddenly filled the room. Spoiler was running her hands back and forth along the cell bars. **"Come on, help a con out! I know you know the escape-while-still-alive trick. Pit, I'll even process you an energon goody later if you do it for me now."**

Ravage exhaled a snort at that. In the past, he had the misfortune of attending several of her _intelligence_ briefings after a mission. They consisted of Spoiler either ranting about something completely inconsequential or attempting to flirt with one of Starscream's subordinates. So the very notion of getting the information he required directly from her was disregarded before it even formulated. _**No, if I want to learn about her recent blunder it would have to be through spying on the enemy**_. A task that he was literally made for, as the Decepticon's Saboteur.

Without so much as a backwards glance, the mechanical jaguar turned from the hole and emerged in an abandoned corridor where there were minimal security measures for him to avoid. Ravage usually liked to start along the outskirts of the base and work his way into a position where he could silently record from. But today he had a much more definitive objective. He needed to find where a commanding officer was stationed and stalk them till they said something of relevance to this situation. This tactic had a much higher percentage of failure, especially considering who the security director was. Red Alert had thrown their entire base into full lock-down over a pop-up add on Teletraan 1 before. With Spoiler on board, that hypersensitive bot now had a fairly legitimate reason to overact. The Saboteur would have to time his pacing accordingly and keep all surveillance programs on high alert.

Moving silently around corners here and through ventilation shafts there, Ravage eventually stumbled upon two Autobots and one Decepticon defector. The impeccably pristine white armor of their Chief Medical Officer, Ratchet, stuck out blindingly in the dull gray corridor. He stood with arms crossed over a broad chassis which was shaped like his alt mode's windshield. Long ago, Ravage had decided that the sparse splashes of red that adorned Ratchet's frame were a delightfully subtle contrast to his not so cheery disposition. This white mech even made the Decepticon's Surgical Engineer, Hook, seem like a rather compassionate medic. Though that usually depended on his patience which more often than not depended on who is patient was. Currently Ratchet's overall stance somehow exuded both annoyance and curiosity at the same time.

He was accompanied by the Mechanical Engineer, Wheeljack, whose frame resembled a slagged hunk of space debris compared to the CMO. Ravage was not surprised to see that the inventor was once again in a rather damaged state, and most likely due to his own masochistic ingenuity. His coloring was primarily dark gray and white with spatterings of green and red adorning his chassis and stabilizing servos. This resident scientist mech was now idling in place with a contemplative arch to his optic guards. Aside from that, it was difficult to gauge exactly what it was Wheeljack could be processing since the lower half of his face was comprised of a grated plate. Usually the color and brightness of the vocal indicators fashioned to each side of his helm were quite denotative. But they were currently unlit as he looked to be listening intently to the third member of their group, Drift.

Ravage felt the upper corner of his metallic snout lift in a silent snarl as he regarded the Decepticon defector. Drift had once been among his ranks and known as Deadlock under Commander Turmoil. Aside from that, Ravage never paid particular interest in keeping tabs on him. After all, Deadlock was just another grunt to be used as a shield on the battle field. Then one cycle he up and disappeared like Skywarp on a highgrade bender. He resurfaced recently on the side of the Autobots with a new designation, an outdated blade-like weapon, and an inflated mainframe that could rival Starscream's. Drift's armor was similar to Ratchet's in color, but less boxy in shape with a ridiculous looking helm that took the decorative design of a chevron too far.

The traitor was facing away from him, giving Ravage a clear view of the two Autobots. Drift was speaking at a low volume, and from what Ravage could discern in his current position, Ratchet was acting as some sort of interrogator. Wheeljack just seemed to be along for the ride.

"**-have to take it up with Prowl. I've already told you everything I know about her being here. So continuing to ask the same questions isn't going to spontaneously give you a different answer,"** Drift had been saying to Ratchet while Wheeljack stood by.

Upon hearing that, Ravage made certain he was within audio range and then began recording to a specialized file. If this was going in the direction he hoped it would, his mission might be over without having to further engage that pit-spawned femme. Then the Saboteur could get back to trying to win a war rather than wasting any more time by trailing some incompetent drone that was feeble-mainframed enough to get caught.

Meanwhile Ratchet was glowering back at Drift, looking none too pleased by both the offered prospect and implied jab to his processing capabilities. He stood a little straighter before replying, **"You were on the schedule for the brig during the time of her incarceration. Do you mean to tell me that throughout that entire shift, you have gained no information in regards to her presence here?"**

Reluctantly, the traitor clarified with, **"I wasn't there for the entire shift."**

The red and white mech's optics flashed briefly at that. **"Now do you mean to imply that you had abandoned your post?"**

"**No! No, it wasn't like that at all. Jazz came in and pulled rank on me to get guard duty, that's it."**

Ratchet's expression didn't change but his voice managed to come out in a soft, controlled tone. **"Before you were able to learn anything regarding her presence here?**

"**He showed up almost as soon as I was left alone with her."**

The medic just stared back at him, blue optics fading to a dangerous white.

"**What? He was very convincing."** Drift paused thoughtfully and then added, **"not that it took much, considering who the prisoner was."**

Before Ratchet could resume his verbal assault, Wheeljack stepped towards Drift and lit up the corridor with the words, **"Since you've been given a reprieve this shift, hows about you theorize with me for a click? **

Drift's frame shifted in hesitation before nodding for the engineer to continue.

"**Consid'rin your past... experiences with the Decepticons, why d'ya think she'd be here exactly?"**

The traitor ran a dark gray hand along the back of his helm while venting a sigh. **"Honestly, I don't want to know. And neither should you."**

The inventor seemed rather dejected at the very idea that there was something he wouldn't want to understand. Ratchet still looked determined.

"**I have been informed that a con was discovered in Prime's quarters earlier this cycle."** The CMO explained.** "He was brought to my Med-bay directly after the encounter for screening. I ran every diagnostic scan I could process on his systems and all the tests came back negative. I require something more definitive to search for if I am to discover what exactly she did to him or was trying to do."** His red, decaled shoulders hunched slightly when he unenthusiastically added,** "any insight you might have, however miniscule, would be…appreciated."**

The traitor stood silently, faceplating still unreadable from behind. It frustrated Ravage that he couldn't analyze Drift's expression from his vantage point. Though the sight of a polite CMO and patient engineer did make up for that somewhat. The moment was surreal enough on its own. Then Drift spoke up.

"**As great an argument as that was, it's still not going to make me recall a file I wasn't around to record."** He then adjusted his stance casually while pointing out,** "I'm guessing that speech didn't sway Prowl and that's why you came to me with it."**

Wheeljack's hand was holding Ratchet back before the medic even had a chance to inflict damage that he would invariably have to undo. ** "You'll have to excuse Ratchet here. He gets a bit heated concidr'in the functionality of his patients."**

"**I'm sorry and meant no disrespect,"** the traitor quickly spoke up while stepping back defensively. **"It's just… while I've never worked directly with Spoiler; I'm more than aware of that femme's multiple malfunctions. None of which are anything you should worry about.**

Still holding back a slightly less volatile CMO, the inventor's face literally lit up with excitement as he asked, **"So d'yah think that maybe she's been reformatted with some kina new technology?"**

Drift rumbled a dark chuckle at that. **"As tempting as that sounds it just wouldn't work. You don't know her like I do. In fact, I'd wager that you've never even faced her on a battlefield throughout the whole war."**

Wheeljack tilted his oddly shaped head contemplatively before shaking it in confirmation that he hadn't. Ratchet's face settled into passive inquisitiveness.

"**That's cause she usually manages to get lost on her way to the field."**

The CMO brusquely shook off the engineer and stepped forward, **"that is not even remotely feasible. Every Cybertronian protoform is installed with, at the very least, a basic navigational system."**

"**I know. And the only explanation I've thought up so far is that someone must've been ****slacking the day she rolled off the assembly line," **he explained in a poor attempt at humor.

Wheeljack emitted a clanging chuckle while Ratchet let out a frustrated hiss at Drift's jest.

It was becoming more then apparent to Ravage that nothing of value was to be gleaned from the three Autobot's before him. _**F**__**igures, the one Chief Officer I come across on this Primus forsaken ship hasn't even been briefed on the situation.**_ Suppressing a frustrated snarl, he prepared to make his silent exit. But as he pulled away another thought occurred to him. If he were to leave now then he'd have to confront Spoiler directly to get answers. And he didn't relish that prospect one bit. Thus he decided to remain in his position for now; even if there was only a slim chance that these Autobots would say something of use. _**Anything these fraggers say has to be more pertinent than whatever slag Spoiler has to emit.**_

Apparently encouraged by the mixed reactions, the traitor continued to describe Spoiler for them. **"Pit, how she even manages to find her way back to the Nemesis is a surprise. And the cons are more than a little embittered that that's the only place she seems capable of getting to by herself."**

As Wheeljack's snickering subsided he once again took on an inquisitive look and asked,** "how's about if she was sent to us with some kinda new weapon. One meant to take her and us out from inside our base before we finish 'em off?"**

"**Unlikely. She just can't be trusted with a delicate operation like that."**

The engineer's optic guards climbed higher as he smoothly suggested, **"what if she wasn't informed about it?"**

"**Look, if the cons plant a bomb on her she'd probably just end up bringing it right back to them, taking out the Nemesis for us."**

As Wheeljack's vocal indicators faded out in what Ravage assumed to be disappointment, Ratchet stepped forward.

"**Speculation aside for the moment; we need to consider the irrefutable facts. What I do know is that her reasons for being here clearly revolve around Optimus. I inspected his chassis myself and found no traces of a foreign substance or altered components within." **The CMO paused before getting to his point, **"now, from what you know of Spoiler, is it possible that she sought to offline him manually, steal the Matrix of Leadership or possibly both?"**

"**You're giving that femme too much credit to even process that much,"** Drift remarked while shifting his stance. **"I mean, we're talking about a con that's actually managed to fail at dying on all the suicide missions we've already sent her on before. Incompetent doesn't even begin to describe her."**

"**And maybe you are not giving her enough credit,"** Ratchet rumbled back. "**That femme not only made it into our base, but past security and into the private quarters of Optimus Prime. Opening his very chest plating before we were even made aware of her presence!"** He took a ragged intake of air before adding, **"Now, recalculate the possibilities with that knowledge factored in. Personally, I would rather have all the dents knocked out before we lose after coming this close due to an overlooked technicality. No matter what Prowl tries to assure me."**

Drift's stance suggested he was taken aback. **"Alright, alright,"** he conceded. **"I guess anything's possible. But there's only one way to be certain. Ask her yourselves."**

Flatly, Ratchet said, **"Prowl placed the Brig off limits."**

"**Not to me,"** the traitor pointed out smugly.

"**I knew it was a good idea to ask ya about this,"** Wheeljack declared triumphantly.

Ratchet was still frowning but it didn't reach his brightly shining eyes. **"Let us just get down there before someone else realizes he is still coded for guard duty."**

Ravage was already up and dodging back down the corridor before the medic finished his sentence. If those bots were on the right track with this, the Decepticons needed to act fast. Especially if Spoiler had done something possibly for or invariably detrimental to their cause. So he needed to get back to that brig, get that con and then get the frag out of there. The next course of action was obvious, Spoiler's mainframe needed to be scanned, the sooner the better. _**Soundwave's not going to like this one bit,**_ he thought when he remembered how the Communications Officer had acted the last time he attempted to pry into her innermost processing's. But given the current situation and possible mitigating circumstances, it was a necessary sacrifice.

After rounding that last corner and ducking into a tight shaft, the mechanical jaguar found himself once again before the charred hole in the brigs wall. Spoiler was lying on the floor, still singed and presumably deep in stasis. This boded well for the first part of his plan. Slinking through and into the brig cautiously, Ravage maintained his covertness right up until he reached the security panel. At which point he worked quickly to reprogram the surveillance system to display a feedback loop of the last few clicks where Spoiler remained uncharacteristically still. He then put his mainframe to opening her cell. Time and the element of surprise may have been on his side, but it would take all his skill and the grace of Primus to get her out of this base in at least one online piece.

It wasn't until the already deactivated cell bars opened towards him that the purple femme decided to online her optics and notice his presence.

"**You came back? You came back for me!"** Her voice rang in near hysterics.

Ravage emitted a low growl at her inability to understand that silence was necessary as he made his way back towards the hole he had entered through. Instead of hearing her follow like an obedient little drone, she just continued to prattle at him excitedly.

"**That'll make this so much easier. I mean wow, sure the bars were already shut down thanks to pissing off old lead-head, but from there I wasn't sure how to go about getting out from behind them. And then you came along!"** Her tone became a bit dejected when she added,** "and disappeared for a bit… but now you're back and I can finally finish my mission."**

Unsurprised that once again he had no idea what the frag she was on about, Ravage flicked his tail to indicate that she ought to mute it and move along.

"**Oh right,"** she chimed out, apparently just catching on.

Leaving with Spoiler flanking him took much longer then his entry, but surprisingly she wasn't hampering him nearly as much as he anticipated. It was almost as though she was well aware of when to hold her position or run like pit to avoid detection at the different intersections. The idea that this was easier then he thought crossed his mainframe too soon once he prepared to exit the base.

Ravage was just about to make a dash towards the tree line when he detected that Spoiler was no longer behind him. Perplexed, he turned to find her leaning against the passageway she should have been exiting.

"**Go ahead; I'll catch up once I'm good and done here."**

He jerked his head, indicating that they were already more than done and now had to leave.

Spoiler just kept bending her lip-plates into that slag ingesting grin of hers and claimed, **"I already told you, I have to finish my mission. I made it this far already, you can't expect me to just give up now."**

Actually, that's exactly what Ravage expected her to do. It's what she always did. So he had no idea why she was changing her pattern to inconvenience him now.

"**Don't look at me like that,"** the purple femme scolded.

Pulling back his feline shaped audio receptors, the mechanical jaguar rumbled their need to leave now. All she had to do was abandon whatever fool errand she had come out here to frag up in the first place.

Still smiling, poorly armored arms folded across that modest chassis of hers. **"My plans already been considered, coded, and is in the process of being executed. There's no way I'm about to let you re-write it now. I'm staying,"** she finished while stirking an unbalanced pose.

The Saboteur's snout vented an irate hiss at her insolence.

Optics flashing, the purple femme suddenly pushed off from the wall. **"I'm as serious as a spark attack."** Instead of moving to join him like she should have, Spoiler abruptly turned and began sprinting towards the nearest line of surveillance equipment on the Ark.

Unwilling to compromise himself further, Ravage was already heading off towards the cover of the forest. Attempting to use force to drag her sorry aft back would only give the Autobots all the time they needed to apprehend them both. _**A risk not worth taking, especially considering who I would be locked in their more carefully guarded brig with. **_He would simply have to report back now with what little he knew and even more questions to short a logic chip over. He also couldn't help but resent Spoiler for the report he would be giving to Soundwave. The Communications Officer was overworked and under-energized as it was. Even the most impressive processor suffered from strain at some points. Unfortunately now was no exception.

Seething silently in frustration, Ravage was convinced that if the Autobots didn't just throw her behind bars again, she would surely meet her end this time. A thought that, while not unappealing, certainly hampered ascertaining answers any time soon.

-8-8-8-8-

_No, no, no, no way I'm livin' without you.  
I'm not livin' without you.  
I don't want to be free.  
I'm stayin'_

_I'm stayin'_

_And you, and you_

_You're gonna love me_

**Angst Behind the Humor:**

Dodging the camera's line of sight at the last nanoclick was a close call for the femme. But it worked out and by all appearances seemed to discourage Ravage from pursuing her further. He was the expert at this sort of thing, so a reckless action like possibly revealing herself to the enemy was just the stunt she needed. _**I just wish I didn't have to trick him like that, **_she thought with a pang of guilt. He had come all this way to free her and without his reports, she wouldn't have been able to navigate her way into the Autobot base in the first place.

Venting a sigh, Spoiler decided to focus on the bright side. _**The prime side,**_ she clarified with a chiming giggle. _**I'm so close I can almost feel his grated abdominal plating. It's just a matter of getting to that point again… but this time going all the way with it**_.

Optics flashing with optimistic determination, the purple femme rounded the last turn only to stop short and nearly fall over at the sight she was greeted with.

"**I figured the cons were desperate, but to actually send the dregs of their ranks is a new low. Even for Megatron." **The glow of this Autobot's plasma rife booted up menacingly as it was raised to optic level.

"**Oh, I uh-er… Hi Elita,"** Spoiler's vocalizer stuttered out. **"By any chance, is Optimus available?"**

_Tear down the mountains,  
Yell, scream and shout.  
You can say what you want,  
I'm not walkin' out.  
Stop all the rivers,  
Push, strike, and kill.  
I'm not gonna leave you,  
There's no way I will._


End file.
